I have been fighting with myself, trying to understand how and why I feel like this. Finally, I received a breakthrough. I was unprepared for this; screaming, clenching, holding, and gripping to this circus heart of mine so that it does not fall apart because my lover had convinced me that I was the unreasonable one.
I am infected by a chronic illness – ‘emotional infidelity’, bleeding out emotions and coughing up fear! I must have tripped and fallen into it unaware, or was it a case of black and white, where there is always a warning light? Do I fantasize too much, so young and I do not know my limits? It stings a pain I am trying to ignore, I tried so much and felt so much!
There is a lot I cannot explain, like how there is three of us instead of two… and it was not by my invitation, yet you insist that I ignore the stranger who sits opposite me in your heart? A place I call home, you insist I ignore another member in my house, that I should stop bringing her up when she is sitting thre starring @ me, “nigga plz”!
Get out of here with all of that, can you not see your emotional affair with your past lover is killing me. Images of you and her perplexity haunting my mind, you seem not to hold back upon my request but rather want me to observe. Upon my request, all I received was mumblings, awkward stares and a silly laughter of how petty you think my emotions are. “We are just friends you say”, a defensive maneuver you use to justify a ‘friendship’, hidden, put at bay… from your lover. Private phone calls, passwords on your phone, behind it hidden are the missed calls, messages, and pictures of your ‘friend’, that outnumber mine.
Inconsolable, because you told me you love me and, that you still care for her, and have feelings for her and that is the anger that parts you from her. After all that you expect me to accept this ‘friend’ of yours who knew nothing about us untill I introduced myself to her… But I guess it’s hard to solve a problem when its not viewed as one. Your emotional attachment to her is a betrayal of our love, blinded by your own selfishness, opposing it implying that I want to control you! Do I dictate when you should go to the bathroom? #SitDown!
I give you enough room, enough room to find comfort in your past lover! Enough room to secretly sms, call, exchange pictures, comment on her every facebook status. Enough room to meet up with her without my knowledge, for you not to consider my feelings, shows a low level of importance… your ‘friendship’ with her is worth more then my constant crying and hurting, wondering, fearing and depression!
You willingly gave your involvement with her more power! A wise man once said, “Secrecy amplifies a bond”, and I am a witness of that! We do not feel true, not because the spark we had left us, but trust did. I have had to accept and accommodate your fallaciousness. It is true when they say, “a woman leaves emotionally before she leaves physically”… I love you, forever will, but the rebel in me is inches from coming out and I anticipate her or I will have to let your ‘friendship’ drain ever bit of emotion out of me. Therefore, I feel nothing, I begged and still begging of you to end that emotional affair…. However, I scream alone in a street of nothing but uncomfortable stares, silly laughter, and petty consolidations of I love you and I am sorry it is hurting you…
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|“Deviant society, coming soon”